Life is messy. Life has ups and downs. When life happens, it can turn you on your head, whip you around and throw you on the ground. What you do when life happens determines what comes next in life. You can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get back on the horse or you can wallow in your misery and let life trample you. Pulling yourself up by the bootstraps doesn't necessarily mean that life will get easier anytime soon, but it's the difference between moving forward or being stagnant; being a victor or being a victim.
I am starting a new adventure. Life as I knew it has come to an end and I am learning to live, make do, and start over with an entirely new set of circumstances. Don't get me wrong. I didn't see it as an adventure when Life happened, and I surely wanted to lay down and wallow. But, I have littles that need me to be the best Mama that I can be. So, I picked myself up by the bootstraps and take one day at a time. Not every day is a good day, but not every day is a bad day.
My mother tells me to think of it as eating an Elephant - one bite at a time. A friend of mine and I decided that we are really tired of eating Elephant and may need to switch to Bison or Rhinoceros - or possibly go Vegetarian. Lots of new and different things (not all fun or exciting) are happening, and it is all about getting used to the new normal.
One part of my new adventure includes something that is dear to my heart. I love to ride my bicycle. Now, some people enjoy a leisurely ride around the neighborhood, or a jaunt to the nearby city/county park for a picnic. Some people enjoy the paved trails and others enjoy the dirt trails. I love to ride my bicycle... any of those things sound fun. But, I love to ride my bicycle a long way. So long, in fact, that many people think I'm crazy, although there are at least 850 people who think like me.
This year, I am participating in Biking Across Kansas by myself. This means that over the course of 8 days, I will ride my bicycle 522 miles. Now you begin to understand why they think I'm nuts. To me, this is a wonderful adventure, filled with long solitary rides (with 849 other people) through the beautiful Kansas countryside. Camping out every night under the stars, although I could stay in the community centers or gyms, but it wouldn't be the same.
The first time I participated in this event, it was a fun filled family adventure. My mother drove the car while my kiddos took turns riding on the pull-a-bike behind me. They each rode anywhere from 5-18 miles per day. While one rode with me, the other went on an adventure with Grandmama, where they found all of the playgrounds, museums, parks and quirky road stops along the riding route. Then, we would detach their bike and I would get to fly down the road. I met so many nice people, both as part of the group and in each town and city we rode through. And the hospitality was
unmatched. The kids had an amazing time and really bonded with their Grandmama, who lives 2000 miles away and visits are too few and far between. As for me, I loved every minute. There were only two legs that I did not fully participate in on that trip. The first was the day that was comparable to Noah's flood while the SAG (Support and Gear) trucks were riding up and down the highway picking up riders and their bikes to haul to the next stop, only to find out there was a tornado nearby - sending us all into the nearest storm shelters. The second was the day we went onto Fort Scott. I am a military brat and had not been onto a Base, Post, Fort or Camp in years, so my mom indulged me in a trip to the Commissary and PX (Post Exchange). You have no idea how amazing it is, unless you have had the opportunity to visit one. It is so peaceful and orderly on the Fort. On any military base, in fact. Everything is in place and there is a calm amidst the chaos of the world. Ask any Veteran or dependent... they will tell you.
This year, I have been preparing to participate in BAK for several months. I have completed rides in all kinds of weather, all times of the day and night, and short sprints vs. long rides. Then Life happened. I wasn't sure if I was even going to be able to participate. Yet here I am. Tomorrow is the day. I board a bus to drive across the width of Kansas to join an ever growing group of people who love to ride their bikes. All. By. Myself. On one hand, I am looking forward to some time all by myself. It is such a rare treat, as a mother, to have the opportunity to spend quiet time all alone. Now, don't assume that by my previous statement that I don't love my children or enjoy spending time with them. But think about it... how often do we moms really get to completely break from reality and spend some time renewing our spirits and remembering who we are outside of parenthood? The anticipation of this trip has been building for months now, and the time has come.
But, I almost didn't make it here. When Life happened 8 months ago, the walls came crashing down around me and let the sea in at such a rapid rate that I began drowning. Life was, and still is, hard. Change became the new normal, and while I have never been afraid of or disliked change, there has been more than even I have been able to handle. Depression is a hereditary foe that has overtaken so many good people. Depression as I have never known before, took hold and threatened to smother me for months, though if you asked anyone who is around me much, they would not have guessed. We put on a brave face and try to soldier through, for our children, our family, our friends and our co-workers.
Panic, like ice cold hands gripping my arms and squeezing my chest, began to set in as comments such as "you don't have to do this" or "nobody is going to fault you if you chicken out" or "you've never completed the entire thing before, so you probably won't finish this time" and "have you figured out how you're going to get back home?", were thrown out at me, by well meaning friends and family. Up until yesterday, I wasn't even sure that I would go on this trip and do this thing which makes me happy. Why? Why would the negative words of a few outweigh the joy that this brings to me? Why would it throw me into a tailspin and make me doubt myself?
Why would I be so overwhelmed and panic stricken? Because Life happened. Everything I thought I knew about myself was gone, and different, and strange. I didn't trust my judgement anymore. I didn't trust myself and I sure don't trust anyone else.
I was so overwhelmed with anxiety and panic, that I drove over to VBS and, with a wild and crazy look in my eyes, asked my trusted friend for her advice. She sat down with me and looked me right in the eye, which of course, started the waterworks. I told her everything about Life over the past 8 months - the good, the bad and the horrific. I told her about my fears going in to this week and all of the built up stress that has been loaded up into my imaginary backpack. I love my friend for her brutal and beautiful honesty. She said, "Leah, tell me the worst thing that could happen. Right now. Think of the absolute worst possible things that could happen on this trip." We started listing them:
The repercussions and aftermath may take the rest of my lifetime to settle down, although I pray it isn't so. And, when Life gets so overwhelming that I cannot breathe or swim or even float, I have to remember to reach out to those who really care about my wellbeing. I have to remember to ask. Did you know that people don't know how to help you if you don't ask? It's true. Do you know what else is true? True friends want you to ask for their help. Each friend brings something special to the relationship. Some are doers, some are fixers, some are listeners, some are feeders, some are growers, but they all are special. I have found that the most reliable friends are not the people whom have been known the longest, but those who are by your side through thick and thin, and during hardships and messes. Some we may have known for a lifetime, and others a matter of days or weeks. They are the ones who will tell you the truth, no matter how much it hurts, because they truly care.
I am starting a new adventure. Life as I knew it has come to an end and I am learning to live, make do, and start over with an entirely new set of circumstances. Don't get me wrong. I didn't see it as an adventure when Life happened, and I surely wanted to lay down and wallow. But, I have littles that need me to be the best Mama that I can be. So, I picked myself up by the bootstraps and take one day at a time. Not every day is a good day, but not every day is a bad day.My mother tells me to think of it as eating an Elephant - one bite at a time. A friend of mine and I decided that we are really tired of eating Elephant and may need to switch to Bison or Rhinoceros - or possibly go Vegetarian. Lots of new and different things (not all fun or exciting) are happening, and it is all about getting used to the new normal.
One part of my new adventure includes something that is dear to my heart. I love to ride my bicycle. Now, some people enjoy a leisurely ride around the neighborhood, or a jaunt to the nearby city/county park for a picnic. Some people enjoy the paved trails and others enjoy the dirt trails. I love to ride my bicycle... any of those things sound fun. But, I love to ride my bicycle a long way. So long, in fact, that many people think I'm crazy, although there are at least 850 people who think like me.
This year, I am participating in Biking Across Kansas by myself. This means that over the course of 8 days, I will ride my bicycle 522 miles. Now you begin to understand why they think I'm nuts. To me, this is a wonderful adventure, filled with long solitary rides (with 849 other people) through the beautiful Kansas countryside. Camping out every night under the stars, although I could stay in the community centers or gyms, but it wouldn't be the same. The first time I participated in this event, it was a fun filled family adventure. My mother drove the car while my kiddos took turns riding on the pull-a-bike behind me. They each rode anywhere from 5-18 miles per day. While one rode with me, the other went on an adventure with Grandmama, where they found all of the playgrounds, museums, parks and quirky road stops along the riding route. Then, we would detach their bike and I would get to fly down the road. I met so many nice people, both as part of the group and in each town and city we rode through. And the hospitality was
 |
| Biking Across Kansas or BAK (pronounced by saying each letter, not as one word) |
But, I almost didn't make it here. When Life happened 8 months ago, the walls came crashing down around me and let the sea in at such a rapid rate that I began drowning. Life was, and still is, hard. Change became the new normal, and while I have never been afraid of or disliked change, there has been more than even I have been able to handle. Depression is a hereditary foe that has overtaken so many good people. Depression as I have never known before, took hold and threatened to smother me for months, though if you asked anyone who is around me much, they would not have guessed. We put on a brave face and try to soldier through, for our children, our family, our friends and our co-workers.
Panic, like ice cold hands gripping my arms and squeezing my chest, began to set in as comments such as "you don't have to do this" or "nobody is going to fault you if you chicken out" or "you've never completed the entire thing before, so you probably won't finish this time" and "have you figured out how you're going to get back home?", were thrown out at me, by well meaning friends and family. Up until yesterday, I wasn't even sure that I would go on this trip and do this thing which makes me happy. Why? Why would the negative words of a few outweigh the joy that this brings to me? Why would it throw me into a tailspin and make me doubt myself?Why would I be so overwhelmed and panic stricken? Because Life happened. Everything I thought I knew about myself was gone, and different, and strange. I didn't trust my judgement anymore. I didn't trust myself and I sure don't trust anyone else.
I was so overwhelmed with anxiety and panic, that I drove over to VBS and, with a wild and crazy look in my eyes, asked my trusted friend for her advice. She sat down with me and looked me right in the eye, which of course, started the waterworks. I told her everything about Life over the past 8 months - the good, the bad and the horrific. I told her about my fears going in to this week and all of the built up stress that has been loaded up into my imaginary backpack. I love my friend for her brutal and beautiful honesty. She said, "Leah, tell me the worst thing that could happen. Right now. Think of the absolute worst possible things that could happen on this trip." We started listing them:- I could get hit by a car and die somewhere along the line, leaving my kids without a mother.
- I could wear out and not finish.
- I could get injured and require hospitalization in an unfamiliar area.
- I could get sick and infect all of the rest of the riders.
The more we talked about all of the possibilities, the less scary they seemed. I have a contingency plan for my kiddos, should something happen to me. So what if I don't finish or get sick... I'll just phone a friend and "get the heck out of Dodge." These are (mostly) not life changing scenarios. She also reminded me that I am not doing this alone. There are 849 other people who will be out on the road, some faster and some slower than I am, with a whole group of ancillary people who come along just to support the riders with food, water and rides when necessary. And, I am one of the volunteer Medics... I have a job to do. The reality became much less scary.
I love how St. Francis of Assisi put it, "Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." I don't have to focus on the entire trip. I can focus on one hour at a time. And if that is too overwhelming, I can focus on one minute at a time. And if I get tired, I can take a break. It's that simple.
I began to look forward to my trip again. I went home, finished packing and slept better than I have slept in a very long time. There was such a peace in that rest that surpassed all understanding. After days of torturing myself, I woke up this morning ready to go and excited for the day. Last minute technical adjustments to the bike, arranging & rearranging gear, and errands to run kept me busy most of the day. A good nap and off to work a night shift... the time has nearly come to meet the bus.
I am going to do this. And, I am going to have fun doing it - even if it kills me. I'm not going to do it all at once, but one segment at a time... one SAG stop at a time... one mile or minute at a time. I refuse to give up. Although Life happened with changes that occurred seemingly overnight, Life has been building up for the crash for a long time. In this way, I cannot expect Life to back off overnight.
The repercussions and aftermath may take the rest of my lifetime to settle down, although I pray it isn't so. And, when Life gets so overwhelming that I cannot breathe or swim or even float, I have to remember to reach out to those who really care about my wellbeing. I have to remember to ask. Did you know that people don't know how to help you if you don't ask? It's true. Do you know what else is true? True friends want you to ask for their help. Each friend brings something special to the relationship. Some are doers, some are fixers, some are listeners, some are feeders, some are growers, but they all are special. I have found that the most reliable friends are not the people whom have been known the longest, but those who are by your side through thick and thin, and during hardships and messes. Some we may have known for a lifetime, and others a matter of days or weeks. They are the ones who will tell you the truth, no matter how much it hurts, because they truly care.
I can't wait to see what this adventure holds for me. I can't wait to learn to love and trust myself even more throughout this process. I can't wait for some peace and quiet... some time to myself. It is going to be a beautiful day and an amazing week, and I will be all the more courageous in the long run, even if I am not able to make it all the way to the end. See you in Leavenworth!
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